Filing a 167 page complaint today in Federal District Court in New York, the American Civil Liberties Union (“ACLU”) alleged that Santa Claus has violated both the federal Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Equal Protection Clause of the United States Constitution. “This is one of the most egregious patterns of behavior we have ever seen,” commented chief ACLU counsel Terence Daugherty. “The evidence in this case is so overwhelming, I am not sure how they are going to be able to mount any defense.”
The complaint alleges that for the past several hundred years, Santa Claus has distributed gifts and favors in direct proportion to the wealth of the family. “It will be very hard to contradict the hard evidence we have gathered,” continued Mr. Daugherty. “There is no doubt that the wealth of the parents has a direct bearing on the value of the gift distribution undertaken by Mr. Claus. Because of the inequitable gift distribution there is a direct and disproportionate impact on families of color. While we have no direct evidence of motive, this pattern and practice makes clear that this is not a mere accident but a planned and intentional attempt to circumvent the requirements of the Civil Rights Act as well as the Equal Protection Clause.”
Buddy Fellow, Spokesman for Santa Claus was shocked and amazed, “I can’t believe that this is happening. This man and his entire organization has worked his whole life to bring joy and happiness to billions of children and this is the way he is thanked. I guess we will file this one under ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’ Santa Claus loves all equally and has never discriminated or treated anyone unfairly,” said an obviously angry and frustrated Fellow.
Daugherty countered Fellows claims, “They can claim that they have not discriminated and have fairly treated everyone, but the facts are simply otherwise. We also have proof that those in Europe are treated more favorably than those in Africa. Claus’ claims of fair and nondiscriminatory treatment simply fall apart when you look at his actual behavior. We are also considering a claim of religious persecution because we think that we have found a pattern that Christian children are given preferential treatment over Jewish children, but we are still investigating those facts.”
Newly appointed Judge and former Congressman Anthony Weiner has been assigned to hear the case, “I think the ACLU presents some very troubling arguments. I am going to try to keep an open mind, but I can’t conceive of anyway in which the Claus’ family walks away from this one unscathed. The evidence supporting allegations is simply overwhelming.” When questioned Judge Weiner stated that he was not “pre-judging” the case even though no actual evidence has yet been presented to the Court. “That is simply a matter of procedure,” he said.
The ACLU’s Daugherty closed his comments by saying, “given the amount of wealth that is distributed each year by Mr. Claus, the sky is the limit on our damages. We predict one of the largest financial verdicts in history, one that actually could reduce the federal deficit by .1 % of the money from the verdict if it is assigned to the United States Government. We have not been able to accurately gauge Mr. Claus’s wealth and we discount all claims that he is simply acting on behalf of others – that is a cop-out if I have ever heard one.”
Despite all of the negative publicity, Mr. Claus still had a positive attitude. “Litigation can be frustrating to everyone, but I have no doubt that justice will prevail and I will be exonerated of all claims. In the meantime, I am going to stick to the way I have doing things for hundreds of years.”