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Filing a 167 page complaint today in Federal District Court in New York, the American Civil Liberties Union (“ACLU”) alleged that Santa Claus has violated both the federal Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Equal Protection Clause of the United States Constitution. “This is one of the most egregious patterns of behavior we have ever seen,” commented chief ACLU counsel Terence Daugherty. “The evidence in this case is so overwhelming, I am not sure how they are going to be able to mount any defense.”
The complaint alleges that for the past several hundred years, Santa Claus has distributed gifts and favors in direct proportion to the wealth of the family. “It will be very hard to contradict the hard evidence we have gathered,” continued Mr. Daugherty. “There is no doubt that the wealth of the parents has a direct bearing on the value of the gift distribution undertaken by Mr. Claus. Because of the inequitable gift distribution there is a direct and disproportionate impact on families of color. While we have no direct evidence of motive, this pattern and practice makes clear that this is not a mere accident but a planned and intentional attempt to circumvent the requirements of the Civil Rights Act as well as the Equal Protection Clause.”
Buddy Fellow, Spokesman for Santa Claus was shocked and amazed, “I can’t believe that this is happening. This man and his entire organization has worked his whole life to bring joy and happiness to billions of children and this is the way he is thanked. I guess we will file this one under ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’ Santa Claus loves all equally and has never discriminated or treated anyone unfairly,” said an obviously angry and frustrated Fellow.
Daugherty countered Fellows claims, “They can claim that they have not discriminated and have fairly treated everyone, but the facts are simply otherwise. We also have proof that those in Europe are treated more favorably than those in Africa. Claus’ claims of fair and nondiscriminatory treatment simply fall apart when you look at his actual behavior. We are also considering a claim of religious persecution because we think that we have found a pattern that Christian children are given preferential treatment over Jewish children, but we are still investigating those facts.”
Newly appointed Judge and former Congressman Anthony Weiner has been assigned to hear the case, “I think the ACLU presents some very troubling arguments. I am going to try to keep an open mind, but I can’t conceive of anyway in which the Claus’ family walks away from this one unscathed. The evidence supporting allegations is simply overwhelming.” When questioned Judge Weiner stated that he was not “pre-judging” the case even though no actual evidence has yet been presented to the Court. “That is simply a matter of procedure,” he said.
The ACLU’s Daugherty closed his comments by saying, “given the amount of wealth that is distributed each year by Mr. Claus, the sky is the limit on our damages. We predict one of the largest financial verdicts in history, one that actually could reduce the federal deficit by .1 % of the money from the verdict if it is assigned to the United States Government. We have not been able to accurately gauge Mr. Claus’s wealth and we discount all claims that he is simply acting on behalf of others – that is a cop-out if I have ever heard one.”
Despite all of the negative publicity, Mr. Claus still had a positive attitude. “Litigation can be frustrating to everyone, but I have no doubt that justice will prevail and I will be exonerated of all claims. In the meantime, I am going to stick to the way I have doing things for hundreds of years.”
THE ENTIRE ACLU NEEDS TO BE ABOLISHED …
GET SOME COMMON SENSE INTO PEOPLE …..
I SAY, PUT THE ENTIRE GROUP IN FRONT OF A FIRING SQUAD
Disagreement = “firing squad”. Wonderful! The ultimate in “censorship”…and clearly not a sentiment from “the left”.
Author’s condemnation in 5…4..3… (Final Jeopardy theme on endless loop)
Hey Rick- you are a true MORON. First of all this “article” is tagged as SATIRE. Do you not know the meaning of SATIRE?? It’s not real. You bit on this just as the Chinese did a week or so ago when The Onion proclaimed Kim Jong Un as the “World’s Sexiest Man”. And yes, we should definitely get rid of the ACLU. Their sole purpose is to defend our Bill Of Rights. Very American of you. What a DOUCHE
Right-wingers are complete *&@ing idiots.
Why is the RIGHT so hard on to get rid of the ACLU?
Does the RIGHT not enjoy the freedoms that the Constitution and the Bill of Rights gives us?
Is the RIGHT completely and absolutely devoid of a love for FREEDOM and LIBERTY, that they would take out the SOLE group of individuals that fights daily to keep us free from the tyrannical grip of government?
The ACLU has never fought against anything in the BILL of Rights. It has on many occasions gone against what might be thought of as majority belief to ensure that the Bill of Rights was not ignored.
The purpose of the ACLU and any group like it is to ensure that the minority does not get run over by the majority. And yet the minority party, the Republicans, have nothing but contempt for an organization that supports the Constitution. Does this mean the Republican Party is Anti-Constitutional?
I think we need to forgive Rick for not noticing that this was satire. After all it’s so close to what Fox News and the rest of the right wing noise machine puts out on a daily basis that most right wing nutters can not tell truth from fiction.
Even GW has fallen for the hoaxes, Benghazi “watched in real time”, Issa has “just paused his F&F investigation”, Obama “sealed his records” etc.
This just proves once again, that right wingers are easily duped.
Noone is addressing the REAL questions here. Is this Claus fellow a Democrat, Republican, Independant, Libertarian, Green Party, Tea Party? Don’t we have to pigeon-hole him first to know what line of attack to proceed with? I was taught that ‘Santa’ is just an anagram for ‘Satan’ and equally evil. Just like ‘Ronald Wilson Reagan’ was the devil with the ’6-6-6′ number of letters in his name. And isn’t ‘Claus’ a German name. Does he even know how to be an American? Is he infringing on our sovereignty with his breach of our air space? Does he use his own air transport because he’s on the ‘No-fly List’ because we all know about those men with beards and funny hats. And what about those elves? Do they have union representation? Are they required to pay union dues or is the North Pole a ‘Right to Work [for less]‘ state?
Thank goodness there’s Festivus for the rest of us.
According to Republicans, He’s gotta be a COM-mew-nEst. He is giving all of those disadvantaged people free gifts..
Everything on this site is satire and invented.
Good god you *^#k heads are stooopid!!!!
Funny how only liberals are commenting on this piece – and in their usual predictable smug way. Insecure much?
has your cheese slipped off your cracker??
who is sticking up for santa
there are thngs that need to be addressed here
i am sure santa
takes all needs into consideration
i am sure the first is
need
what does this child need
or could use
what makes 1 child rich
maes another think
what the hek is this
and what am i goning to do with it
how many even do christmas
this is such a knucklehead deal
whos gonna get the settlement
hek whos gonna pay it
i know
wait till next christmas
and it will be taken care off