Following his not to startling revelations on Oprah Winfrey yesterday, cycling’s governing body, which had already stripped Armstrong of his 1999-2005 Tour De France titles, began to name winners for each of the vacated titles. The task proved far more difficult than Tour organizers had anticipated. “We called cyclist after cyclist to let them know that we were going to name them the new winner and time after time they had to decline because they had to admit to steroid use as well,” commented Pat McQuaid, President of cycling’s governing body UCI. “There was a time when we thought that we had completely exhausted the 2005 list when we ran across the entry for Joseph Kettler.” (Pictured above)
“Kettler did not complete the entire course, but he did ride along for enough of it (about 100 yards) so that we felt comfortable naming him the winner,” stated a relieved McQuaid. “We have gone back over his blood work at the time and other than the fact that he lacked his mumps vaccine, everything checked out fine. If you look at the picture, Kettler doesn’t show any of the tell-tale signs of performance enhancing drug use.”
Kettler was pulled out of his seventh grade classroom in Esch, Luxembourg, to receive his new yellow jersey and the medal that goes along with it. “Wo ist meine geld?!” he exclaimed when told of the incredible news which roughly translates to “Where is my money?!” Tour Organizers were taken slightly aback by this question and seemed ill prepared to deal with the events newly proclaimed winner. McQuaid mumbled something like “We are working on that,” but it was honestly difficult to understand him as the Luxembourg Blue Angels flew overhead at that precise moment making it difficult to follow the conversation.
Having now agreed on the winner for the 2005 event, committee members will now have to start the arduous task of identifying a drug free replacement for Armstrong during the six events held from 1999-2004. “We simply got lucky when we found Kettler,” said a frustrated McQuaid. “From what we can tell, it is going to be really difficult to identify anyone that participated in any of those races that did not use performance enhancing drugs. We have discussed naming some of the women that handed out the yellow Jerseys at the end of each stage, but evidently they all had performance enhancing changes as well.”